Apathy Killed. Passion Awakes Again…
“He who started a good work will be faithful to complete it in you…”
I know this verse in my heart and it’s a comfort to me when I feel alone. For a few months I’ve been “feeling” too much. Just the realization that my feelings have come before logical sense. I feel one way and it automatically turns into truth in my head. Then I say it out loud and I know it’s lies. Or discovering what it’s like to compare the feelings with the mind. How they battle with one another. How confusion so easily creeps in and takes advantage of my lack of wisdom. I become lazy and start sleeping in in the mornings. I don’t get up and focus on quiet time alone with Papa. I apathetically slunk out of bed and down the stairs to my unappealing pile of books. School seems so drudgingly difficult. I have no desire to exercise. I have no inkling to eat healthy. The last thing I want to do is sit at Jesus’ feet to listen to Him and read Scripture. I just want to finish school without actually doing it. So that puts me in a worse mood when I’m behind.
I have this mystical thought of what life overseas would be like at the present. But that’s just it: it’s a fantasy. It’s hard over there too. The apathy my body and mind goes through affects my heart and my hearts slowly starts to burn down on passion. But that one verse would come to mind every now and then and I would think, “Well I was once moving in action and if God started that then, well I’m sure I’ll come around one day, but for now I’ll just wait.”
But God recently showed me the meaning in this verse. He doesn’t want to lose me. His holiness and purity has been revealed and how can I just sit around and not respond? When He started a good work and He’ll be faithful to complete it, it shows that in this time, it is Him completing His good work. This death of my flesh is the good work. I have to go through fighting apathy and the battle of the mind. He saw the overpowering love I had for Him and the world at one time and now I must fight the lies the enemy will throw at me to stop me from changing the world. Jesus is saying that in this season He is completing the good work. That I am learning how to fight this apathy and come out of it. It’ll make me who I want to be one day. It’s gonna craft me into how I love the people around me.
So I see that God is in the middle of completing who I am and that I must respond or it’s just gonna take longer. I have refused to stay in this apathy any longer. I have decided to get up and spend time with my Maker. I have defied the enemy’s tactics and have sat at Jesus’ feet. Though I have not “felt” everything I may want to feel, I know that this is a part of His good work and He is faithful no matter what.
So this day I spring from bed. I sing and praise Him and enter into my day with Thanksgiving. Yes the pile of books is still there and it’s still unappealing but I look on it with joy because I know the Lord is there waiting to teach me more than what the books contain. I’m here to grow, to mature, to become what God intends for me to be.
Last night after some intense time of worship I hear God say, “Connie, as I am with the missionary feeding the orphan, I am still with you just as strongly. Do not fear that what you are doing is not My will but see this season as a part of the package. You are My heart and it beats because you walk in My will. I have not gone on without you.”
So here I am , laid bare and curiously waiting to see what will happen in this season. Jesus holds out His hand and I very gently play with His fingers, having a hard time grabbing His hand. It’ll bring a lot of growing pain to grab His hand but it is so rewarding. He waits for me to eagerly anticipate His wonders but still I am shy. I pray I break free from it and delve into the deepness of who He is. I pray all of me will once again see everything He is offering and love it! For now His patience is never ending and He gently leads me closer to Him. May my passion be restored and burn even brighter then it ever has before!
Two Years Ago Today
Journal Entry 1/14/10
Ecclesiastes 11:7-10
“Light is sweet and it pleases the eyes to see the sun. However many years a woman may live, let her enjoy them all. But let her remember the days of darkness, for they will be many. Everything to come is meaningless. Be happy young woman, while you’re young. And let your heart give you JOY in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you to judgment. So then, banish anxiety from your heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless.”
Two years ago today Jesus prepared my heart for the life that I was choosing to live. Two years ago today I wrote on the very first page of my old journal. Two years ago today I asked to know His heart in a new way. How could I have known what circumstances and situations to come would be a confusing heap of glorious wonder and unbearable pain. But He knew. He knew and He chose to lead me into it. He saw that I sincerely wanted Him and He still kept to His promise. His promise to answer the prayers of the girl who hungered and thirsted after Him.
Oh how I loved Him. I was so consumed in being in love that I didn’t see the pain that would come with this relationship. And as I look back to that day, I realize that through the confusing pain and difficult scenarios, I love Him more because of it. He’s proven faithful and constant. More than I have, that’s for sure. My love for Jesus has dug deeper into my being in a way that it can’t even explain itself. Did it hurt? Heck yes it hurt when I felt my heart being broken. But isn’t that what I’m supposed to experience to better understand His heart? Yes, His heart broke for me. (And of course for all those other millions of people in the world.) I have found that there is freedom in being a servant, there is joy in pain and there is a beauty in surrender.
Praise You Jesus for Your truth and praise You that there has never been a moment that You have ever thought of giving up on me! I’m here to live Your life and not my own and I’m here to see Your Kingdom come here to this world.
Journal Entry 1/14/12
I say to You again that I’m not giving up. I’m here and I am Yours. I love You more today than yesterday and I not only need to be with You.; I want to be with You. You have revealed Yourself to me and I’m blessed to see into the deep places of Your heart. Thank You for wanting me and looking upon me as worthy of Your love. I am not always happy but I am always blessed and I am always Yours and that is what matters. Thank You for giving me the freedom to be a girl with dreams and desires that may seem ridiculous but You placed them there and You don’t love me any more or any less because of them. I am eager to see the different things we will go through together in this next year. I love You Lord! I pray that on January fourteenth of two thousand and fourteen I will be even more in love with You and living even more radically in Your will… Amen.
Another Adventure into the Heart of God
On Wednesday my dear friend, Amy, and I were brainstorming and investigating how to help young girls caught in the sex trafficking industry. I’d made calls to girls on the craigslist through our local HopeHouse, and we both were ready to help where we could.
But we really wanted to do “search and rescue.” Seeing no official volunteer positions for that one, we went to prayer. As we prayed, I “saw” (in my mind’s eye) a fair, blonde girl. We both saw a mobile home park. And Amy heard the number “24”.
I can’t say we had any big Holy Spirit splashes, but we agreed that we couldn’t lose by stepping out on those three “words.”
So the next day, we traveled to the one mobile home park she had in mind. Nothing. We traveled 35 minutes to the next mobile home park I had in mind. (I had heard a few years back about a lot of prostitution there.)
My 16 year old daughter joined us in this adventure, and this is where her part came into play. As we bypassed the entrance and had to turn around (which hindsight we saw as essential to create perfect timing), Connie “saw” in her mind an old car with a rough looking man in the front seat and a blonde girl in the back seat.
Turning into the drive just before us was that car with that man! We followed the car. It pulled into their driveway and we pulled over and parked just beyond the driveway and all three of us piled out of our two cars. (I was aware of possibly looking like the KGB at that moment!)
As I turned when stepping out of the car, the first thing before my eyes was the house number: “24”! As their car door opened, I saw the blonde girl with an infant in the back seat. I couldn’t let the moment pass, so I asked the man about the mobile home park office (that’s what flew out of my mouth), and he went inside the get the phone number.
Meanwhile, we began to talk with the girl, the baby being a bridge builder for conversation. Long story short, she welcomed me laying hands on her baby and praying, and then doing so for her.
I honestly felt led to tell her the truth as to how we ended up there. Her eyes got really big. She told us that 2 days prior in the courtroom (getting a restraining order against the father), she shot up a prayer: “Lord, I need help.” Connie said, “God sees you, and loves you!”
We exchanged phone numbers and she spoke of wanting to get back to church. We hope to talk soon about a relationship with Jesus. We don’t know who this older man is in her life. Her story changed 4 times. But we’re taking her a Mother’s Day gift bag tomorrow, and we’ll see what God does next! What else might we see God do if we just listen and step out??!!
In the beginning…
In 1992, the Lord made it clear to me that making disciples was not an option, but a mandate. Little did I know how long the journey would be. It’s been filled with desire, attempts, mistakes, joys, tears, and discoveries. And now over 18 years later, it seems we’ve only just begun—again.